Plane ride home from San Diego my heart grows in tempo. The rapid beating fuels the urge to eat. Food makes my stomach turn.

I leave surf camp the next day. The waves had power. I surfed all lunch. At CVS I retrieve saline solution, I clear my stomach, She awaits.

She finds me in the alley washing my suit. It is clear She is in pain. We hug. I kiss her neck softly. I grow harder as we embrace. 

In the backyard we talk we embrace we connect. In the upstairs room we masturbate together. In the backyard we seal the ritual with a spliff. Spirits dance death is out to play.

The conversation turns to drama, I steer. She feels hands on her neck as we move apart. I drop in and cut the cord. Good work I say to her softly. I am drained.

She sits on my lap shaken. In my ear she whispers 

"I cannot wait till we reach the place, let's go together. The place where we can eat play touch & kiss forever. Free of pain."

I am afraid to go there. Her shift is not covered, she readies to leave. At the door she loves me but cannot leave till I return the message, I am torn, mind vs heart. I say it, we kiss her lipstick on my lips. 

I move around the house lost, I practice, death is right above me. I leave the house and refuge on the deck. Here I ground with tobacco. My body purges the meal we shared. Mist rises from my mouth. Breath after breath, the sky goes dark. I cannot feel my feet or hands. Staying there for this long takes love and energy I do not currently possess. Keeping death at bay is hard enough once a day.

Returning to the site of abandonment I shiver I shake. This place calls & calls. What is it trying to say? She was there that day. She chose to give me life I choose to fight.

I get in the hot tub, anything to get warm. It is off. I sit in the lukewarm water quacking. I exit clothes on the floor and move to the bed dreams are in store. When I arise as light hits sky I realize it must be let go. It must be forgiven.

Who would not be afraid to lose it all? Unthankful to be me? Heaven forbid it. I work to shed the belief that I have no heart. Point out the thief, I take my leave, not to run, to love the lonely one, me.